I really thought I should write something. The trouble with writing something is that I have no idea what “something” is. If I’m asked a question or given some kind of prompt, I can write. In light of this, my friend has offered me a prompt; he said that I should write about “how my life would be if I hadn’t been screwed over so much.” It’s amusing, but it’s an interesting idea.
Let me start with my job situation. I suppose I must be a little broad and nonspecific for parts of this, as I work in a “public office” of sorts. I fear the backlash from venting about what has transpired, though I dearly wish I could. Suffice it to say that if the general public found out about some of the things that have happened here, it would not look good for my employer and for good reason. With that being said, here’s what I can say:
In a perfect world for me, I could go to work and do work that I am happy and proud to do. I’m sure you’re smiling now, because no one really feels that way about their job.
Wrong! When I first started working here, I was so happy. I loved coming to work every day. I bragged to other employees about how “I’m sure that everyone has a cool job, but my job is the best,”and how lucky I was to be working here and doing work that interests me. I probably seemed childish, but I really was happy. I never felt anything other than happiness in regards to my job.
Over the last year, things at my workplace have changed. My direct supervisor has been targeting me with comments that I feel are hurtful and inappropriate for the workplace (he stated I “look like a jailbird” when I was wearing a black and white striped shirt with black pants; he also said I “look like Where’s Waldo” when I was wearing the same attire on a different day. He’s said several things, but I won’t list them all here). He does not treat either of my two coworkers the way he treats me. I work hard and I do a good job. He should not treat me the way he does.
Other work concerns have caused me to have extreme anxiety about being at work. Two huge ethical concerns have been brought up recently, and nothing was done to address them. No one I know will ever see this blog, so I can be honest right now: I did everything I could do. I took critical information to the top.. as far as it would go, and nothing was done about it. The company is more afraid of bad PR than exposing a predator, and I can’t respect that.
So… my first “if my life was different” is this: I would be a creative professional with a focus on writing or concept art/illustration since these are my two biggest passions in life. I would work for a company or person who respects me and doesn’t put me in ethical conflicts. I want complete transparency from this employer, and I don’t want to feel like I’m being treated unfairly by being forced to take unreasonable pay cuts or give up benefits that were part of my negotiation.
I want to work for people who encourage growth–both personally and professionally. I want to work for people who genuinely care about their employees and want them to succeed; I want them to not disrespect me, spread rumors about me behind my back, or throw me under the bus to other people. That kind of behavior is unprofessional and leads to an utterly toxic workplace. I especially want to work for an employer who encourages employees to learn new things–in the creative world, if we aren’t learning new trends and methods of doing things, our work will fall behind.
My second “if my life was different” would be regarding myself. My work life and home life have not been the best in quite a while, and these external factors have influenced myself and the way I see myself. I have always had anxiety about a lot of things, but this past year has expanded it to a completely different level. I have allowed these things to change how I see myself, and I don’t think that’s fair.
What I do for work shouldn’t make me respect myself less; in the same way, I shouldn’t look down on myself for my “real life” situations, either. If my life was different, I would like to show myself appreciation for who I am as a person. I would like to somehow tell myself that though these situations are happening to me, they do not define me and they don’t change who I am. I am still the same. Through the lens of uncertainty, anxiety, and depression, I want to still be able to see myself in the mirror.. not just all the things I worry about. I want to believe in myself again. I want to do a good job and feel proud of the work I do.
This last year, I have been wallowing in self-pity and doubt. I gave up on myself for so many years that I have forgotten how to live. I have lost my creativity and my spark, and a part of me is terrified that I’ll never get it back. I want to see myself the way I am, not the way I think I am. Let me see that the things I do matter. Let my employer see me this way too, and let them be proud that they hired me. I take pride in doing a good job and doing good things for others.. let them see that.
My third revelation would be to let me stop trying to find “my person.” Love has always eluded me, and I would like to stop looking for it. The last “love” I found burned me so badly again that I would like to just stop. I want to stop thinking about finding some mythical person to make me feel happy and loved. Life doesn’t work that way for some people, and it’s time to leave it alone. If I could stop looking for that person, I would stop finding the wrong people. If I am not good enough for the person I love, then let them move on from me immediately. If I am not good enough for them, I damn well better be good enough for myself.
My boyfriend just broke up with me at the beginning of December–two weeks before our fourth anniversary, and three weeks before Christmas. I was devastated. After weeks of feeling bad, I am finally feeling better because I knew it wasn’t going to work out anyway, and I think he knew that as well. He tells me how much happier he is now, and it hurts to think he is so much better off without me, but I am doing better as well. I have been trying so hard to practice more self-care and self-love, and I think that it is having some impact on me. I am glad for that.
My fourth change would be getting myself “back.” Who am I? What do I do in my free time? What do I do for fun?
After my boyfriend broke up with me, I have had so much more time to myself. At first, I thought I would be lost in my head forever. I was trapped in the negative thoughts that came afterward, and it hurt. As time progressed, I’ve been doing my Udemy courses more (I have over 120 to complete!), creating art again, playing video games again.. and now, look! I have finally written Something.
This blog has seen every one of my ups and downs over the last ten years. It’s been changed so many times, and I’m not sure what it will be now.
I want a place to showcase my artwork, but I want a place to write, too. Can a blog be more than a blog? Can a portfolio be more than a portfolio? I don’t know any of the answers.. but I am happy to finally be in a place where I think I can try to find out.
That’s where I am right now. Thank you for being here.
Best love,
Bianca